It’s been a minute so let me get straight in it: what up, folk? Once again we've arrived on this page for an exchange of that literary dope. It’s been a while since I've cooked up, flipped and slanged any of this dope other than for academic purposes (I’m writing a dissertation for my bachelor’s degree this year, pray for a kid. Or just wish me well if you’re agnostic. Or cast a spell if you’re a wizard, I don’t care, just support me, bitch), and this is a shame because I feel the same way about writing as Tony Montana felt about cocaine.
|He was quite fond of it|
It’s 2013, and in this day and age with all the access to global media and access to many of our celebrity heroes private lives, a lot of kids get confused when it comes to knowing how to act like an adult. When you’re trying to emulate the attitude and behavior of your favourite actor/athlete/artist, things can get messy if said celebrity tends to act like an asshole (how you doing, Chris Brown?). For instance, as a man, one must know which situations it’s acceptable to punch someone in (that guy who squeezed your girlfriend’s ass without her consent) and which situations it’s not acceptable to punch someone in (that baby who drooled on your shoes. Yes, I know they’re Nike, that doesn't make it OK to punch babies). Somewhere down the line, we as a society lost the G Code. ‘What is the “G Code”’, you say? It is a set of rules and expectation by which any and all men and women of sound mind must aspire to conduct themselves by. Tonight, I shall share some of these codes with you.
THOU SHALT KEEP THY WORD
This is pretty basic, but surprisingly difficult to execute, especially if you’re a compulsive liar. If you say you’re going to do something: do it. Whether you told your best friend, your neighbor, your mother, your auntie, your parrot or even yourself, all you need to do is stick to what you said you were going to do. This is difficult because we often forget what commitments we made or we didn't really understand what the fuck we were committing ourselves to. We all know that fat guy who said “in the next four months, I’m seriously going to cut my weight down!” then four months down the line, he’s still an obese asshole who can’t walk and have a conversation at the same time without collapsing from exhaustion. How does this happen? Because that fat bastard had no idea what he was committing himself to when he made his weight-loss declaration, and that was a declaration he made to his own damn self. He probably went jogging once and decided that was too hard, so instead went on a vegetarian diet but found himself eating 34 cucumber sandwiches per day because hey, at least it’s not fatty meat.
|"I know it looks like I'm pigging out, but really, I'm exercising my jaw"|
But I digress, the point is: the moment you decide you’re going to do something, especially if you give your word on it (it doesn't need to be a promise, just SAYING it is giving your word), you have to go through with it until it is done. Don’t make a habit out of selling dreams with your words then be surprised when your kids hate you for all the times you said you’d get them quad bikes for Christmas, and then pushed it to next Christmas. Every. Fucking. Year.
THOU SHALT GRACEFULLY ACCEPT DEFEAT WHEN DENIED
This applies to all men and the odd woman who goes on the aggressive and asks people out: we can’t win every single time we play the game. Have you ever witnessed a guy take a girl out to dinner, buy her chocolate, buy roses, spend airtime calling her, spend gas money picking her up and dropping her off, then get pissed the fuck off when she says no to his proposal to stick his boner in her mouth.
|Is that how people ask other people out these days? I've been single for a while.|
This might be hard to grasp for some people but: you’re not paying for a service when you take a girl out for a nice time, don’t expect her to want you like you’d expect KFC to give you food after you pay, it doesn't work like that. The reason behind gifts and meals has been lost to a lot of people in this generation, but what you’re doing is simply asking for the person’s time, so that you can make the case for why your penis is the only one they should be touching because of how awesome the person attached to it is. Be magnanimous: giving people gifts and not expecting sexual favours in return makes a convincing argument that you might actually be worth dating.
|"Sooooo, does this $100 champagne mean sex or ? I'm breaking bank here, woman"|
THOU SHALT NOT CONFESS THY INFIDELITY TO THY PARTNER
Unless they have evidence/witnesses. Let’s be honest, nobody ever tells their boyfriend or girlfriend about the time they cheated because “they deserve to know”. It’s always because the guilt was eating away at them and they weren't sleeping right so they transfer the emotional burden to their partner so that the bad feeling goes bye-bye. That’s not love, that’s selfish. Don’t say anything until you’re caught (and if you’re a guy, you WILL get caught, women are like some FBI-CIA-MI6-SEAL Team 6 Zero Dark Thirty mash-up of secret intelligence). You shouldn't be cheating at all, but I understand we’re all human. What I’m saying is you’re adding insult to injury if you go confess to your partner that you were cheating without any pressure from them, because you only do it because your guilt is hurting you. Bear that pain on your own, you selfish asshole. On the flipside though…
THOU SHALT TELL THY HOMIE IF THEIR PARTNER IS PLAYING THEIR ASS
I shouldn't even have to tell you people this one, but just like the stench from the mouth of that really fine chick in your class/office that every guy still slobbers over, some things are shockingly ignored. Just a couple of weeks ago I heard a story about this dude whose girlfriend was fucking another dude. I heard this story from his boys.
So I asked, “Have you niggas told him?”
Me: “Are you going to tell him?”
Me: “Y’all are going to Hell”
People actually catch more than feelings when this shit happens; people catch DISEASES. This isn't a joke, folk. If you know your friend is getting played, TELL THEM. People actually get sick off this shit, so in this instance, don’t be afraid to hurt them by being the bearer of bad news. In the long term, you’re doing them a favour.
|"Hey, Dave, remember when you ruined my love life? ha ha ha, thanks buddy!"|
That’s it for tonight y’all. For everybody trying to do better in becoming a decent human being, go over these simple rules that form part of the G Code, and you might just become a stand-up citizen in your community. Educate your folk on this shit too. Peace