RESPECT THE G CODE

It’s been a minute so let me get straight in it: what up, folk? Once again we've arrived on this page for an exchange of that literary dope. It’s been a while since I've cooked up, flipped and slanged any of this dope other than for academic purposes (I’m writing a dissertation for my bachelor’s degree this year, pray for a kid. Or just wish me well if you’re agnostic. Or cast a spell if you’re a wizard, I don’t care, just support me, bitch), and this is a shame because I feel the same way about writing as Tony Montana felt about cocaine.

He was quite fond of it

It’s 2013, and in this day and age with all the access to global media and access to many of our celebrity heroes private lives, a lot of kids get confused when it comes to knowing how to act like an adult. When you’re trying to emulate the attitude and behavior of your favourite actor/athlete/artist, things can get messy if said celebrity tends to act like an asshole (how you doing, Chris Brown?). For instance, as a man, one must know which situations it’s acceptable to punch someone in (that guy who squeezed your girlfriend’s ass without her consent) and which situations it’s not acceptable to punch someone in (that baby who drooled on your shoes. Yes, I know they’re Nike, that doesn't make it OK to punch babies). Somewhere down the line, we as a society lost the G Code. ‘What is the “G Code”’, you say? It is a set of rules and expectation by which any and all men and women of sound mind must aspire to conduct themselves by. Tonight, I shall share some of these codes with you.

THOU SHALT KEEP THY WORD

This is pretty basic, but surprisingly difficult to execute, especially if you’re a compulsive liar. If you say you’re going to do something: do it. Whether you told your best friend, your neighbor, your mother, your auntie, your parrot or even yourself, all you need to do is stick to what you said you were going to do. This is difficult because we often forget what commitments we made or we didn't really understand what the fuck we were committing ourselves to. We all know that fat guy who said “in the next four months, I’m seriously going to cut my weight down!” then four months down the line, he’s still an obese asshole who can’t walk and have a conversation at the same time without collapsing from exhaustion. How does this happen? Because that fat bastard had no idea what he was committing himself to when he made his weight-loss declaration, and that was a declaration he made to his own damn self. He probably went jogging once and decided that was too hard, so instead went on a vegetarian diet but found himself eating 34 cucumber sandwiches per day because hey, at least it’s not fatty meat.

"I know it looks like I'm pigging out, but really, I'm exercising my jaw"

But I digress, the point is: the moment you decide you’re going to do something, especially if you give your word on it (it doesn't need to be a promise, just SAYING it is giving your word), you have to go through with it until it is done. Don’t make a habit out of selling dreams with your words then be surprised when your kids hate you for all the times you said you’d get them quad bikes for Christmas, and then pushed it to next Christmas. Every. Fucking. Year.

THOU SHALT GRACEFULLY ACCEPT DEFEAT WHEN DENIED

This applies to all men and the odd woman who goes on the aggressive and asks people out: we can’t win every single time we play the game. Have you ever witnessed a guy take a girl out to dinner, buy her chocolate, buy roses, spend airtime calling her, spend gas money picking her up and dropping her off, then get pissed the fuck off when she says no to his proposal to stick his boner in her mouth.

 Is that how people ask other people out these days? I've been single for a while.

This might be hard to grasp for some people but: you’re not paying for a service when you take a girl out for a nice time, don’t expect her to want you like you’d expect KFC to give you food after you pay, it doesn't work like that. The reason behind gifts and meals has been lost to a lot of people in this generation, but what you’re doing is simply asking for the person’s time, so that you can make the case for why your penis is the only one they should be touching because of how awesome the person attached to it is. Be magnanimous: giving people gifts and not expecting sexual favours in return makes a convincing argument that you might actually be worth dating.

"Sooooo, does this $100 champagne mean sex or ? I'm breaking bank here, woman"

THOU SHALT NOT CONFESS THY INFIDELITY TO THY PARTNER

Unless they have evidence/witnesses. Let’s be honest, nobody ever tells their boyfriend or girlfriend about the time they cheated because “they deserve to know”. It’s always because the guilt was eating away at them and they weren't sleeping right so they transfer the emotional burden to their partner so that the bad feeling goes bye-bye. That’s not love, that’s selfish. Don’t say anything until you’re caught (and if you’re a guy, you WILL get caught, women are like some FBI-CIA-MI6-SEAL Team 6 Zero Dark Thirty mash-up of secret intelligence). You shouldn't be cheating at all, but I understand we’re all human. What I’m saying is you’re adding insult to injury if you go confess to your partner that you were cheating without any pressure from them, because you only do it because your guilt is hurting you. Bear that pain on your own, you selfish asshole. On the flipside though…

THOU SHALT TELL THY HOMIE IF THEIR PARTNER IS PLAYING THEIR ASS

I shouldn't even have to tell you people this one, but just like the stench from the mouth of that really fine chick in your class/office that every guy still slobbers over, some things are shockingly ignored. Just a couple of weeks ago I heard a story about this dude whose girlfriend was fucking another dude. I heard this story from his boys.

So I asked, “Have you niggas told him?”

Them: “Nah”

Me: “Are you going to tell him?”

Them: “Nah”

Me: “Y’all are going to Hell”

People actually catch more than feelings when this shit happens; people catch DISEASES. This isn't a joke, folk. If you know your friend is getting played, TELL THEM. People actually get sick off this shit, so in this instance, don’t be afraid to hurt them by being the bearer of bad news. In the long term, you’re doing them a favour.

"Hey, Dave, remember when you ruined my love life? ha ha ha,  thanks buddy!"

That’s it for tonight y’all. For everybody trying to do better in becoming a decent human being, go over these simple rules that form part of the G Code, and you might just become a stand-up citizen in your community. Educate your folk on this shit too. Peace

One Love

I Got Votes, Bitch!

What’s the word, y’all. It’s Frankie The One aka That dude you been stealing your tweets from, The writer of the cyphers you need RapGenius to decipher, I got that dong that got the women following me, call me the Pied PIPER. But enough of that. Y’all already know my pedigree because I stay shoving it in your faces; I got that Kanye spirit in my veins. “I’m inspired when people don’t like me”. Word to you knuckleheads. Come at me.

Let me just say congratulations to Barack Obama despite the fact that he’s probably never gonna read this with his own eyes since he’s busy running the world and all that. I know some of y’all non-citizens of the US are jealous of the attention the POTUS is getting on social media, talking ‘bout “Why do you guys CARE who the president of the US is like he’s YOUR president?” First of y’all, fuck outta here with that ignorant shit. Acting like the US ain’t set up all sorts of NGOs in your home country. But that ain’t even the major issue. This dude pushed healthcare reform in the United States further than it’s ever been, and it’s been pushed for years. Obama restructured the American automotive industry, keeping it from collapsing, and the industry is back on track. AND this nigga got Bin Laden after Bush failed at that for 7 years.

Barack made 508 distinct promises for his tenure as president, he’s accomplished 193 of those, and he’s at least made an effort to work on 418 so far, that’s kind of a success when you realize he’s has to compromise with the senate.A president doesn’t have the power to do whatever they want, not in a democracy. I know some of the African readers think that last sentence was some Chinese mumbo-jumbo but it is how things are SUPPOSED to work. So peace to my nigga Barack. His policies affect global markets. What he decides to do in the states WILL affect the global economy as markets react to what he does. The fact that the reserve currency of the entire world is the United States Dollar should speak for itself. So pay attention to the elections in the States, my people.

The elections in my own country of Malawi though? I’m less enthusiastic about that. My reasons are simple: a) The political parties in my country don’t seem to have any distinct ideologies; they seem to be grounded on the personal views of the party leader, which may not be based on the policies that they think can take the country forward, rather, they’re based on personal interest. This isn’t always the case but from the examples of our previous leaders, it’s all I can conclude. I don’t even think there’s any differences in the different party manifestos, they all got ambiguous, positive sounding objectives lined out that I rarely see them accomplishing. b) 90% of the voters in Malawi live in rural areas, and an overall literacy rate of 74%, with 53% of the population living below the poverty line (living under less than $2 a day). Most of these voters don’t vote based on whose policies they like the most; they vote on who will give them the most free t-shirts and bags of maize during the campaigns. Where does my one little vote stand amongst 90% of the population that vote based on these short term campaign handouts? I’m sick of people going ‘nah, bruh, your vote DOES count, it’s important that we all get out there and vote and your vote MAKES A DIFFERENCE.’ Yo…. If one candidate got 14,000 votes in my area, and the other gets 5,000… How the FUCK does my one vote make a difference in that situation? Fuck outta here man.

"What's a forex shortage? I don't miiind, Fuck a fuel crisis, I don't driiive!"

And that’s why I don’t vote in my country: too many political parties with no distinct principles or ideologies and; too many voters that vote for the wrong reasons for my vote to count. That’s just me though; if you believe your vote, as an educated person that understands the social and economic issues going on in the country, is going to make a difference in Malawi, by all means, go ahead. Some of us believe in unicorns and bigfoot and ghosts and an omnipotent invisible man in the sky… I’m just saying, we’re entitled to our irrational beliefs.

One Love

What's Your Number?

How’s it going family, hope everybody is getting their grind on or shine on or asking-dad-for-money-so-I-can-look-good-sipping-this-wine on. Ok, maybe not that last one, But whatever you’re doing I hope you’re doing it well. There’s a concept I’d like to explore right now that everybody has thought about at least once in their life: what constitutes a slut?

When you hear the word ‘slut’, what do you envision? Is it someone who’s slept with half the people you know? Is it someone who hasn’t been around quite that much but flirts around a lot? Is it gender specific? Is it your mom? What are the factors that make people arrive at the conclusion that another individual is what they’d classify as ‘loose’ or ‘a slut’? It’s a subjective matter, of course, and like most human things, it’s based more on prejudice than quantitative or empirical study.

Let’s get past the obvious: it’s a numbers game. Most people will call somebody a slut after the hearing the number of people they’ve slept with. But we don’t normally agree on the number one must achieve to level up from ‘prude’ to ‘loose’ to ‘slut’ to ‘super saiyan slut level 3’.  But is it really a matter of the total number, or the time frame in which this number is achieved? If a woman, in 40 years of sexual activity sleeps with 20 men in a pattern spread evenly across those 40 years, is she a slut? And what about a woman who, in 4 years, accumulates that same total?

from the data collected, we can conclude that she didn't get enough hugs from daddy growing up.

Another factor that comes into play is the manner in which this total number is accumulated. As you all know, alcohol is responsible for 94% of all regrettable sexual decisions. That and movies like The Notebook. So if 90% of a girl’s hook ups are while she’s under the influence, does that make her a slut? Maybe. Maybe it’s like Drunken boxing Kung Fu; just a technique and approach to sluttiness. Drunken slut is still slut, after all.  And if she let like 8 dudes run a train on her? I ain’t judging, but that ain’t the girl most of you are thinking of bringing home to mom, right?

Aside from the total number of people slept with, there’s the sexual acts that one may be reported to have committed. Does what you do in bed factor in to your slut status? Maybe you’re not a ho, and you just made a ho decision. Let’s say you’ve been involved in a couple of ménage a trois’, would that make you a slut? Or does it only mean you enjoy a little bit of debauchery? Well, a certain blogger is always up for a ménage, and he doesn’t take kindly to being called a slut, so watch what you say there. And what of the people who've been in sex tapes, it wouldn't be fair to call them hoes based on that, would it?

"Yeah... we're not all sluts, ok?"

One more thing: you’ll notice that in paragraphs 3 and 4, the examples I gave were of women and that up until the last sentence of the previous paragraph, I hadn’t directly mentioned the possibility of a male slut. That was intentional. Society tends to be more forgiving of men who sleep around more than average. A man who has had 30 sexual partners in their lifetime will be looked upon more kindly than a woman who has had the same number of sexual partners. This is a cultural thing, and it applies to most cultures across the globe. A man who knows a woman has slept with 30 people is not very likely to bring her home to his family, let alone take the leap of marriage with her. However, a dude pulling those same numbers probably won’t face the same level of prejudice and scrutiny. He could find a wife with more ease. Personally, I believe anybody with a track record like that, isn’t exactly marriage material. Maybe if they change their ways, whatever that fruity Drake-ish statement means, then they might be worth it. My point is: the discrepancy complicates the area where you can draw the line between prudes and sluts.

At the end of the day, calling someone a slut is usually down to opinion and there’s no universal definitive number or act that constitutes the label. It all comes down to the human need to judge others in order to feel good about ourselves. And if you don’t like what I say, then you, sir/madam, are a slut.

One Love.

The Essence

Greetings everybody,

It's been a while, and this is a long overdue article for 2 reasons: 1. I haven't posted anything in a minute and 2. The content I'm about to present to you should have been given to the world long, long ago. The reason I started writing was to present information to people who may have not received it otherwise. I'm taking it back to the essence in this post.

Music is one of my many passions just like asian girls in Catholic schoolgirl uniform but that's not the point today, sorry for getting distracted. *ehem* MUSIC is one of my many passions, and it is the one closest to my heart (that or asian chicks). When I hear something beautiful, I want to share it with the world, and such is the case with the 4 songs and artists I'm about to talk about.

1. Bottom of The River - Delta Rae

This is one of the most amazing pieces of music I've heard in forever. I'm not even sure what genre it fits into, all I know is the final product is so finely tuned and so well executed that my mind felt like that one time I was tripping off some high grade purple when I heard it. Delta Rae is a band comprised of 6 members, 3 of whom are siblings, including the lead vocalist. She has the rawest vocals I've heard in this auto-tuned era, and it sounds magnificent. The production is so well mixed that the track instrumental truly has a life of its own, all while every single instrument can be heard in it's own right. Again, I'm not sure what genre they fit into, but they seem to have gospel, country, folk, jazz and even some pop influences in their music and that DNA can be traced in this wonderfully pieced together song. This percussion-heavy tune is guaranteed to get you feeling spiritual.

2. What's Tha Word featuring Jay Rock & Ab-Soul - Schoolboy Q

This is that gangsta shit. Pardon me as I go ignorant to this track. But this is another well crafted piece of music, regardless of its subject matter. This is a song from TDE's very own Schoolboy Q. The message in the song is about the harsh realities faced in the hood by urban youths. What's so special about this particular song is the heart that goes into it, specifically the Jay Rock verse, which is the 2nd. You feel like you're riding with these dudes as their tale unfolds. The thing that takes it even further than that is the amazing beat and the piano chords that come in midway through the 1st verse. It turns this harsh, gritty, ghetto story into something soulful. Keep your ears open because these Black Hippie/TDE (Kendrick Lamar, Ab-Soul, Schoolboy Q and Jay Rock) kids are the future of hip hop. Word is bond.

3. Kill Screen a.k.a Steve Wiebe - Jean Grae

When it comes to rap... When it comes to lyricism... When it comes to writing a verse with so many polysyllabic rhymes and such a condense rhyme scheme coupled with brilliant wordplay... look no further than Jean Grae. South African born, Brooklyn raised (if my very reliable sources at Wikipedia are correct, they're usually infallible and absolutely impervious to random users coming in and changing articles willy nilly), Jean Grae is one of the last true emcees left in rap music. This song, 'Kill Screen' is named after the levels in old arcade games that were virtually unplayable due to their overwhelming difficulty, which was caused by programming errors: no one was expected to reach that far in these games. Steve Wiebe is one the past high score record holders for the original Donkey Kong arcade games and that's why his name is in the title of the track. And I will say this: the plethora of wordplay in this track will act like a kill screen to even the best rappers playing the game... Get it? Rap? Game? Kill Screen? .... Forget it. You can check out the amazing wordplay and the academic breakdown of the lyrics right HERE "I'm the figure 8 sideways, always, ageless."

4. Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear

This song, unlike any of the others, is already 3 years old. You might recognize it as that background music in that climatic scene in that movie you watched that one time, or from a commercial, or from that series you watch on Thursday evenings. The point is this is one of the most known unknown songs in the universe. It is also truly one of the best songs of the decade. Won't take my word for it? You don't have to, you can ask Pitchfork Media. They rated it as one of the top 500 songs of the 2000s. Nuff said. The unfortunate thing about one of the most brilliant musical pieces I've ever heard is that it was coupled with one of the fucking weirdest videos I've ever seen. If you can get past that though, your ears shall be blessed by the heavens. It's like one of those legendary ancient Greek trials or something. If you appreciate Baroque Pop, you'll certainly enjoy Two Weeks.


That's it y'all. I hope someone out there gained something from this, experienced a greater appreciation for music, discovered a new artist to add to their personal music library, had something to distract them from their boring day at work. I'm here to entertain and potentially get you fired if your boss catches you slacking again. I just want to help.

One Love.

Get That Bitchmade Shit Outta Here

What up,

The Kid is busy with some school shit y'all, senior year of university and shit. so the blog is suffering while I write up on assignments and get a project proposal ready. BUT, I had a couple of things I need to get off my chest real quick. We're living in a world where decorum is about as rare as post-adolescent virginity, fam. These days, niggas on a super level of bitch-made. Niggas trading blows over girls, and even worse, some niggas ain't even got enough dignity to be on that level of bitch-made, they're on some quantum bitch shit fighting over broads on twitter. Speaking of twitter, just last week I seen some dude talk shit like "all these niggas want my girl, but she's mine so quit claiming you love her" and I seen his broad retweet that shit, like she really agree with that shit, meanwhile she goes and fucks 3 other niggas in one night. Word is bond.

"I can smell the other dudes' semen on your breath BUT I STILL LOVE YOU SCHNOOKUMS!"

A couple of days ago on my twitter page, I said something like "Wolves don't announce their arrival to the sheep". What I was trying to tell niggas is: don't put your plans all out there for people to know, you get me? There's way too many haters out there trying to block your moves for you to hand the niggas your whole tactic book, so when you got some moves to make, keep it to yourself til you're ready to pounce. I know you might have some brilliant epiphany you wanna share with the world and shit, but if you fuck up and actually tell the world what you're about to do before you do it, some other nigga gonna claim your idea and run with it. You also gotta be careful which people in your circle you're telling this shit, coz they might jack you too. Ask Nikola Tesla. Y'all can quote me on that wolves/sheep shit too. Just make sure your reference it right when you writing your dissertation and shit. Quiet Dignity is a powerful quality, people, remember that.
 One Love

A Woman's Worth

Some of you will be offended by this post. I’m just going to come right out the gate with that. I’m writing from what I’ve observed, rather than what I believe here, so I’m going to keep this as objective as possible. You can go on a Twitter rant about how Francis’ opinion or vantage point is all wrong and how I should be ostracized from society and have my testicles removed or whatever, coz quite frankly, I just don’t give a fuck. Except for that one I gave your sister that one time. OK, let’s get started.

There’s a group of women that’s all about freeing themselves and other women across the globe from the restrictions that have been placed upon them by society for thousands of years. These ladies want to see women enjoy the same rights and activities as men do, without their behaviour being frowned upon. From my understanding, the whole feminist movement is for the equality of women and the pursuit of happiness. I’m all for human equality and I support the movement. I hope women across the world get the right to vote, drive themselves around, eat chocolate cereal, fart in public and all that. Whatever you’re being denied, I hope you get.

What I’m going to do here is explain, through observation, WHY if you engage in the same behaviours as men, it will forever be weird for everybody.

Pictured: Equality

A man’s ideal woman is usually traced from the image of his mother, as in, whoever he decides is worth settling down for, will be kinda like his mom. Ladies, this means he’ll be looking for the same qualities in you that he saw in his mother. It’s just a bi-product of being nurtured by a woman, and it’s a hard mindset to fight. A lot of us are from a generation whose mothers were skilled homemakers. Meaning these women could cook, clean, knit, sew, do decent interior decorating and some gardening work. I know a lot of young women today won’t have all the skills I just mentioned because this generation is more concerned with formal education and getting skilled in a given profession such as economics, law, medicine, or engineering. So some feminist (I don’t enjoy using that word, it sounds negative like chauvinist or fascist or racist. Is that just me?) women will hit you with the “I shouldn’t have to impress a man by cooking for him. That’s bullshit. He should like me for who I am: my character, intellect, ambition and Tumblr.”

Yeah, because posting up pictures like this makes you like, so deep 

And that’s right, ladies. You really shouldn’t HAVE to impress a guy by cooking. But you are competing with the ideal of his mother’s skills, which may have absolutely included cooking. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to find a man. You may, however, have to settle for a guy whose mother’s cooking was shit so you don’t have to compete like that. So, keep in mind that any guy you may be interested in will be most interested, whether subconsciously or consciously, in a woman like his mother. Ask any guy you know that loves his mom. I ain’t lying.

Another thing feminist (seriously, fuck that word, y’all, it’s getting on my nerves. Feels like I’m writing a Nazi manifesto) women must know is that pussy - like diamonds, gold and oil - is a precious commodity and a luxury good. There’s a simple economic law at work here: diamond merchants like the De Beers learnt to control the supply of diamonds, keeping it artificially low in order to push the prices up. Certain feminists may campaign for the need to explore female sexuality, which is cool because I love a freak. But at the same time, you need to make it hard for dudes to obtain that ass; you can’t flood the market with pussy otherwise its value will plummet. Trust me, when a guy feels he got some too easily, his respect for you will fly out of the window. The same is true if he hears you’ve been around because he’ll assume that pussy of yours is no longer a luxury good. The same can’t be said for dick because, honestly, a penis is not as highly sought-after as pussy, or if it is, it’s a lot easier to get. You don’t really have to TRY to get a guy to fuck you. Never in the history of ever has a woman said to a guy: “This party blows, wanna fuck behind that tree?” and been responded to with “HOW DARE YOU?! MY BODY IS A TEMPLE AND I WILL NOT HAVE IT USED AT THE WHIM OF A WOMAN!!!” It just doesn’t happen. So please, exercise your right to have awesome sexual encounters (this can be easily achieved by meeting up with me), just don’t cause a surplus supply of pussy in the sex market or its value will decrease. Simple economic principles, people.

Figure 1 illustrates how a shift in supply from S1 to S2 would cause an increased supply of pussy from Q1 to Q2, met with a decrease in the value of pussy from V1 to V2

Now, one more thing y’all ladies really, really, REALLY need to understand is that you’ve been running the world since the dawn of time. Really.

Allow me to elaborate: in the grand scheme of things, every (straight) man’s test in life is a woman. By ‘test’, I simply mean that a woman is a man’s desire in life. Word to Dave Chappelle. In order to fulfil this desire, a man must first attract a woman. We all know that a girl is never going to be attracted to a motherfucker that doesn’t shower or seem to have any knowledge of the existence of soap. No woman will ever fuck a man that lives in a cardboard box unless she lives in a pile of swept up leaves. Because of this, men learn that they need to accomplish something in life, achieve a certain degree of success, and get fuck out of their momma’s house in order to find a girl that will have them.

Julius Caesar wasn't just conquering for the hell of it, you know

All the invention, innovation and discovery that has taken place in the world has been driven by a certain degree of self-interest. This is (probably) how the invention of the wheel went: “Man, lifting all these materials using our arms sure is tiresome. There’s got to be an easier way… Hey, if I came up with that easier way, I could probably make a whole lot of money selling it, or at least become famous, and Ug-ug, the prettiest girl in the village will probably hear how awesome I am for inventing it, and she’ll sleep with me… Hey, if I take that stone, and turn it into a circular disc…. Eureka! Ug-ug, get your sweet ass over here…” So yes, the initial thought is for the greater good of society, but the execution of the idea is for the good of the inventor/innovator/discoverer.

The first pussy magnet

Let’s keep it real, Christopher Columbus probably only travelled across the Atlantic because he knew he’d be famous for it. Ergo, he’d be getting all kinds of pussy when he got back home. So ladies, you need to realize that the power of that sweet, sweet spot between your thighs is responsible the modern world we live in today and that power is rooted in the belief that pussy is hard to obtain, so please, don’t give it up to that dude that lives under the bridge who spends his whole day talking about monkey penises. I’m just saying, Ms Feminist (I really hate this word), you’ve been running the world the whole time. The key is to exploit your power for the greater good, instead of catching feelings over jokes made on twitter.

Let’s review: understand that you are competing with the maternal ideal; don’t flood the market with easily obtainable pussy (image: you could sell a bottle of water in the middle of the Sahara Desert for $100); and understand the power that you hold between your legs.

Let me make it extremely clear that I was in no way trying to objectify women in this article. And to any women that do feel objectified by this, I totally was.

Ask yourself how many fucks this face looks like it gives

One Love.

Simpology

What up, it’s the Architect, The Hands of Time, The 2012 Don Corleone, young Tony Stark more commonly known as Frankie The One.  Lately my mind’s been troubled, I’ve had restless nights and a whole lot of anxiety’s been building up, eating away my sanity. I haven’t been able to pinpoint the root of my 

worries, until now.

See, I’m an uncle to a whole gang of little motherfuckas my brothers call their kids, and some day I plan on having my own litter of little motherfuckas. But I have a concern for the future that’s rooted in the shit that I see today. I’m a child of the 90s. We 90s kids probably didn’t have it as rough as kids from the 80s, I mean, they had to go through bullshit like skin-tight leather pants and dudes dressing in fucking ice-skating outfits on tv. Not to mention all the hard drugs. But in the 90s, shit was fly as hell. We had dudes like Snoop and Dre telling us it ain’t Nuthin’ But a G Thang, it was all a dream with Biggie’s Juicy, and some dude named Pac was hollering bout California Love. Shit, even our ignorant music was dope with that MC Hammer nigga, and them backwards clothes wearing industry slave niggas Criss-Cross. The sitcoms from the 90s were fresh too. Fresh like Fresh Prince of Bel Air. But that’s enough of that. But wait, we also had Sega Megadrives, Golden Chinas and Super Nintendos. Games like Street Fighter II were out, and then came the PlayStation. My point is 90s kids had a good childhood.

Awesome is an understatement in this moment

But that’s irrelevant, coz every generation is gonna have some simp motherfuckas in it. It’s inevitable, son. My only concern is that these kids don’t get to experience simpdom up close and personal. What is a ‘simp’, you ask? You know that dude with a girlfriend who had a gang of niggas run a train^α  on her with her consent, and then dude was like “nah, she just made a mistake, I’mma stay with her”? That’s a simp, fam. You know that nigga that has to save 4 or 5 hoes every morning paying them visits before he gets his own day started, sending them flowers and chocolates when they’re probably only E-grade hoes that let dudes hit if you just buy them one Smirnoff Spin at the club? That’s a captain-save-a-hoe simp motherfucka right there. You know that nigga that hangs with other niggas and always buys the other niggas rounds, and they don’t even have the decency to hand him his drink when the round comes, then on top of that, they disrespect the nigga, and the nigga STILL hangs out with those niggas? That’s a simp, family. Simp is basically short for simpleton, except with the modern day connotations, a simp is also a bitch ass motherfucker.

running a train^α  - let's just say it involves having a lot of bananas in the same aisle at once

Now you know how they say birds of a feather flock together, right? Chances are, if you hang around some simp dudes, you too are probably a simp, dude. Now what are the distinguishing features of a simp, besides the ones that I’ve mentioned above? It can be hard to point em out coz they tend to look like normal human beings but don’t be fooled, these dudes are the lowest life forms on the planet, son. These niggas get shitted on by amoeba, fam. I’mma give you a few details on how to spot and avoid these niggas.

If you’re familiar with my twitter page, you know I’m partial to attacking skinny jean funny haircut tight shirt supra wearing dudes. Now I understand that it’s just a fad, and like any fad, it’s some young mothafuckas between the ages of 14 and 17 that are prone to falling for that shit. But son, if you’re in your 20s, and you’re still wearing them supras, with the funny haircut, and the tight-for-no-reason YMCMB t-shirt, with the fitted YMCMB cap even though fitted caps are on their way out and snapbacks are in vogue again, chances are you the type of dude that has his girl fucked by real niggas every time she tells you she’s ‘at her cousin’s place for the weekend’. Yeah dude, I know your 14 year old girlfriend thinks that gear you got on is fly, but she also thinks Lil’ Wayne’s best song is How to Love… she doesn’t know fuck all, kid.

Have you ever paid for sex? That’s simp behaviour, son. Any true mack will never, ever, EVER pay for sex when he can spit good enough game to get it for free. Word is bond. Also, if you that nigga that sends 3 texts to a chick in quick succession without any reply, not even a beep, not even an inbox message on the Devil’s website aka the harvesting ground of thirst… otherwise known as Facebook, you’re losing. Not only that, you’re exhibiting simp mannerisms.

There is one more item that is a sure sign of a simp nigga. This is the symbol the simp nation stands behind, this is what the bald eagle is to America, what the Kwacha is to Malawi, this is what weird sexual fetishes are to Japan. The hallmark of a true simp is

The pink Vitz. If you’re a grown man behind the wheel of a pink Toyota Vitz, there is not an ounce of decorum left in your body, b. If you’re a dude with a pink Vitz that came with automatic transmission, chances are you get wet instead of hard when you get horny, son. Chances are your girl hasn’t introduced you to any of her friends, and cuts her arms with razors every night asking God how it came down to this: her having to settle for a nigga that didn’t have the dignity to at least ask the dealer if the car comes in blue, or another colour for that matter. And if you don’t like what I wrote, chances are you drive a pink Vitz.

One Love.